Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
