Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
