it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
