I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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