Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
