I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
