Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
