I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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