My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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