Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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