I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
