I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
