yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize