theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
