im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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