So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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