thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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