If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
