I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
