I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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