i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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