i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
