I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
