Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
