Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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