True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
