my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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