rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
