And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
