I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he shaved USA in his pubs
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Farmville is her only friend.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
