I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
