I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
