Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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