Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
