the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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