Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
