so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
