I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
