i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
