how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize