if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
