The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
