i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize