This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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