a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
