i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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