And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
