The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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