what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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