Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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