I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
