Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
