I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize