if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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