Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was CRYING into my vagina
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
